The doctrine of love
by Ramona T
Summary: It's a story about Kurumizawa Ume, after the end of the second series of Kimi ni Todoke anime.
1. Chapter 1

Kimi ni todoke

The doctrine of love

Prologue

_The day I saw Kazehaya walking side by side with Kuronuma Sawako was the most dreadful day of my life. I saw him smiling to her, while walking hand by hand on the street and my heart broke. I could think about nothing, while tears were flowing from my eyes. It was raining and I had no umbrella, while the two of them were shoulder to shoulder under a single umbrella… _

I loved Kazehaya as far as I can remember. It was not some superficial love, I knew for sure. I could do anything for him, until now. I was not even capable of showing him my love, because I was afraid… I was afraid he will go away from me; so I kept the distance.

Someone told me that love is all about timing and now I think it is right. I lost my chance, when Kuronuma Sawako appeared in his life.

I lost. I know I did. I fought till the end, I cried my soul out and I am still crying. But I can not do anything about it. I can not break a relationship as theirs.

I know they love each other. And I love Kazehaya; it's unrequited love.

I wish I hated Kuronuma Sawako. But I don't. I keep telling myself that she is ugly and awful. But she is not; if there was not Kazehaya in our lives, I know we could be friends. But now, we could not. Because, even though I like her, I can not be friends with her. While seeing her face, I remember only how much Kazehaya likes her.

And that hurts me really bad…

I was walking down the street, while watching the cherry blossom. It was Sunday; tomorrow, school started. School where I could see Kazehaya and Sawako. It was something I did not want to, but I had to. It was my last year of high school.

But, still, what was I thinking? I could not let myself defeated so easily. Yes, I did lost Kazehaya, but it did not matter, as long as I could go on with my life.

But, what means my life without him? All I've done, all this time, was to think about him and to persuade everyone to go away from him. I laughed, even though I was alone on the street, I didn't cared. I didn't have any friends. All I've done this summer was to hang out with my sister, when she did not have any plans and to cry.

I cried so much that I don't have any tears anymore.

I sighed.

'Oh, it's a pity to do that!' I heard a voice coming from the back so I have instantaneously turned around to see the one who talked to me.

I could see a tall guy, with black hair and a pair of dark green eyes. I didn't know him, but his voice was comforting, almost sweet…

'I beg your pardon?' I asked in an acute voice, being as arrogant as I could be.

He laughed.

'You shouldn't sigh. It doesn't match your appearance.'

What was this guy saying, really?

'It does not concern you weather it matches my appearance or not.' I said angrily, turning around, wanting to go away from this weird guy. I turned around only for a second and saw his face; he was still smiling.

'And you're not right; it matches my appearance, but it sure doesn't match my attitude! Moron!'

He was still laughing while I walked away, sulky.  
>I did not notice, then, that the guy made my thought of Kazehaya go away. All I've done, that night, was to think about the imbecile from the park.<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

_note : what I'm trying to do is to write a story about Ume's love. But I don't know how good I'm managing things. Anyway, I do not own any of Kimi ni todoke series but the characters I create and also the facts that I particularly create._

_Please forgive my mistakes; English is not my mother tongue and my English isn't perfect at all, so I have a lot of flows. I'm really trying to correct them but I hope you will be able to read my creepy stuff. _

_Enjoy and I will wait for you reviews!_

**The doctrine of love**

Chapter 1

'Kurumi! It's time to go to school. Are you awake?'

I heard the voice of my step mother, but I was already awake and dressed up.

I felt tired, even though I slept all night. I felt sick, even though I was completely healthy.

I did not want to go to school today; I felt as a coward, not wanting to face Kazehaya and his girlfriend. That was not like the Kurumi I knew! I have to be brave!

I looked in the mirror. Everything was fine, my school uniform was perfect. My blonde hair looked as pretty as ever. I sighed. I was such an ego-maniac. I loved myself, even though I had an awful personality, I was happy because of my looks. I was certainly cute and Kazehaya was really dumb for not liking me!

These were just the thoughts I used to comfort myself. The truth was… I was really jealous of Sawako. I wanted to have her looks; maybe then Kazehaya would have loved me. That was just a bad joke, anyway; because he was in love with her personality.

And he couldn't, certainly, ever love my character.

'I'll be downstairs in a minute!' I screamed, taking my bag, after taking a deep breath.

I lost Kazehaya and his love, but that was just a damnable-stupid thing. I will move forward and I will show everyone how nice and strong I can be. Well, I will have to rethink the "nice" part, though.

'Nana is not awake?' I asked my mother while I was at the door.

She smiled.

'She's starting university only next week, sweetheart.'

Yes, mother, you are right.

My step-mother was a nice woman, I guess. She was tall and brown-haired. Her eyes were blue, as Nana's – even though Nana had black hair, like her father. My step mother was looking, certainly, like a beauty, but you could guess her age. I can't blame my father for marrying him. I stopped blaming him for divorcing my mum a while ago.

While walking to school, I thought about my past, about my family.

Nana was my step sister, the daughter of my step mother from her ex-marriage. I loved her very much; in fact, she was the only one I loved from my family. My father was a detestable being, in my eyes, and even though my step mother was a nice person, I could not love her.

But Nana was moving to another city starting next week… I totally forgot about the fact that she's going to University. She is going to leave me.

I'm selfish. I've always been like this.

With a deep sigh, I entered the school yard. I didn't even try to put a cute smile on my face; I was not in the mood of it and nobody would care, anyway. Everyone knew how my true self is right now so they were not wandering around me; they did not want to be particular friends with me.

I walked through the students, not saluting anyone. There were a lot of freshman kids right now and I did not know any of them. Telling the truth, the thing was becoming a little bit stressful for me.

I finally got to see the list of the classes and started looking over for my name. I didn't think about it until now.

I saw the name of Kazehaya around. Kuronuma Sawako was on the list as well. I could see Sanada Ryuu, Chizuru and Ayane as well on the list – they ought to be happy, I thought, they were in the same class…

Right beside them, I could read the name of: K U R U M I Z A W A U M E.

My heart was racing. I could feel my cheeks burning; I was probably all red because of anger. Why? Why? Why was I in the same class as Kazehaya and Sawako? All this years, it was not for me to be in the same class as Kazehaya. Why now? I tried to calm down. I kept telling myself that this is not happening and looked at the list again. But it was a fact.

We were in the same class.

I felt like crying, again. It was so sad, for me, to be in the same class with them. Maybe I should have prayed for this to not happen. But it was too late now.

I looked for my class. The corridor was full of kids. All of them were laughing, or naively smiling. I was the only one who had a horrid expression. I hate this day so much, so much, so much! I wished I could just go away.

But I had classes and if I skipped school then the headmaster would call my father. And if my father gets upset, there is no chance for me to leave this city after high school.  
>The truth is, I am looking forward to move. I hate the place where I live right now; I despite everything about it; I strongly dislike my father.<p>

I'm sad.

But I was too strong to keep crying about it. I took a deep breath and thought that none of the bitches I will meet won't hurt me.

End of story!

I opened the door and entered the class, full of myself. I was walking like I was in a fashion studio. The class was overwhelmed by the sun. All my colleagues were talking, and laughing, and smiling. Most of them already knew each other. I knew a bunch of them as well.

Kazehaya was talking with the boys; I tried not to look in that direction, but I could not help myself looking at his pretty face. He was smiling, explaining something to someone I didn't know particularly. He did not even notice me; that was the kind of guy he was. Selfishly looking only at the things that he liked…

Never mind, Kurumi, I told myself, it doesn't even matter. You are too good to everyone around.

So, what?

I stayed in a random free chair, waiting for the teacher to enter the class. He would give us some numbers and then I will find out where I should sit.

Hopefully, my place won't be around Kazehaya.

Stop thinking about it! Will you? I tried to look on the window. I could see the sunny day, the cherry blossoms… it was certainly a nice day, even though I was really sad and pissed off. I thought about it. I wasn't particularly sad; I was kind of excited, in the matter of fact, now I could see Kazehaya… But I was pissed off because seeing Kazehaya meant seeing Sawako as well.

Fuck it! I oughtn't to speak badly. I just can not help myself sometimes. It seems like the whole world is against me.  
>I'm too egocentric.<p>

'Kurumi-chan! We are in the same class! What a surprise!' Some blonde guy stopped at my desk and smiled at me. I looked proudly at him.

'What do you want, imbecile? I am not talking to you; go away.'

I was not so social, I suppose. And he was not my favorite guy to talk with. He was in love, sort of, with Sawako. He hadn't had the good timing, though. She was already in love with my Kazehaya… Oh, I thought about it again.

Why won't he just go away from my mind?

But his smile is so damn nice and when he moves my soul trembles… and his expressions are the only ones that make me skip a beat; only seeing his face, I wish I could be beside him.

'You are so cold, Kurumi-chan!' Miura said, smiling. Whatever I told him, it was like he won't get upset. In the matter of fact, I have never seen Miura Kento getting upset at anything. I suppose he was too good at not showing his emotions, because I could certainly say he was pissed off when Sawako started dating Kazehaya.

I could not reply anything to him, because the teacher entered the class. It was a teacher I did not know; I suppose he was new on the branch. He presented himself, while all the students took a sit.

'My name is Umineko Toru and I will be your headmaster and your History teacher starting today! I hope we will get along well!'

We all said that we are hoping to get along well too and he smiled at us. He looked like a 50 five old geek, with glasses on his eyes and almost gray hair. But the expression of his face was rather soft. From my experience with the soft expressions, he could possibly be a demon.

'Now, it is a strange thing for me, a new teacher, to present a new student for you, students I do not know either. Anyway, I know it's also unusual for pupils to transfer in the last year of high school, but… well, here you have – he coughed and continued with a louder voice – you can enter the class!

I was already bored because of the teacher and because of the class. I wanted all this to end already. It made me feel sick. Why the hell should I be around here? Why in the class of Kazehaya's? Am I to be punished for all the bad I have done until now, or what? Because it seemed like a punishment to me, to see Sawako looking over to Kazehaya. They should pretend, at least! They made me feel so bad that if I could tear them apart, I would!

I was a bit aggressive, from time to time…

I didn't notice the presence of the new student until he started talking.

'Hello! I am Uchida Rei. I am happy to meet all of you, please take care of me!'

He bowed his face. I could see a silly smile on his face, looking through the class. I got the impression he looked straight at me but I was too shocked to think about it!

The guy who was in front of the class was the same guy I've met yesterday. His eyes seemed even darker than yesterday. He had our uniform on already. He seemed even taller today; he was charming, I could tell because of the girls.

What the fuck? Some people would call this thing destiny, but I was angry because of it, even though I had no business with him. He was a moron. I didn't want to have him around me. I hoped he won't behave like he knew me! But it was okay, because he did not know my name!

I sighed, again. Why wasn't this day ending already? How much was I to endure?

'Okay, well, let's see how the seats are. Everyone, please take a number from here!' the teacher called us. Everyone lined up to go the teacher's desk and take a note with a number on it. We were extracting them randomly from a weird hat.

I was too angry to even move from my chair. But I finally got up and walked, taking the last number from the hat.

I had the seat from the back row, beside the row, even though I enjoyed the row from the window… Who cared?

I looked at everyone else; I saw Sawako's face for the first time, she was right beside the window, with everyone around her, beside Kazehaya.

Kazehaya's seat was… right in front of me! My heart started beating faster and faster while I was walking to my place. I was so lucky to have this chair, right in his back. I could see him all the time! But was this a good thing for me? Won't I be depressed because of it, when seeing him watching Sawako at class?

I finally got to my place and right then Kazehaya stood up because the teacher went out of the class, saying he is going to see us tomorrow.

'Hello, Kurumizawa. How are you?' he asked me with a light smile. He was always nice to everyone, there was no doubt to that.  
>Why did I felt like crying because of that?<p>

Get a hold of yourself, Kurumi!  
>I hated the fact he called me by my full family-name. It hurt me, the fact we were not close to each other.<p>

'Hello, Kazehaya!' – I pretended to be happy – 'I've been fine, thank you. I didn't know we were in the same class, it's been a while…' I didn't look at him while saying that. I sat on my chair looking in my bag, so he could go away. And he left.

It was the best strategy I could have, because he did not care about me. I should not overdrive myself. It was enough we were in the same class, on the same row. I was not to be good friends with him.

I just had enough! He was walking to Sawako, I guessed. He was partly sad because of the fact they were so far away to each other.

I wasn't happy about it, either sad. I was not interested in disunite them.

'Kazehaya! It's you, Kazehaya, right?'

The new guy stood in front of Kazehaya, while he was talking to his girlfriend. I looked at them with a strange expression. Did they know each other?

Kazehaya looked at him for a long second, I could not see his expression, but after a short time he almost hugged the new comer. His voice was very charming and happy.

'Uchida… Rei! I didn't remember it was you! You've change so much! God, you're even taller than I am! It's been such a long while, how have you been?' he was certainly happy to see this "Uchida Rei". It seemed like they were old friends, but Kazehaya was "old friends" with everyone.

The guy smiled. He had a nice white face, I could say. All his features seemed manly and… attractive.

What was I thinking? After all, he was some imbecile! I ought not to think about stuff like that. I certainly had bad taste at men!

'Oh, well I came back because of my family. But I'm happy I did and that I'm in this class right now. I didn't think I would meet you here. Is there anyone from our old class here as well? Damn, I missed this town!'

Kazehaya laughed. I could see he was happy to see this… guy. Who was he, anyway? Old class? Is that supposed to mean that he was in the same class as Kazehaya? But I was in the same class as him in middle school as well. But this can't be. I would remember such a face; because he was certainly a good-looking guy.

'Well, Ryuu and Chizuru, you certainly remember them! – the new guy agreed, smiling, looking at those morons – and…- Kazehaya blushed while saying this – she is my girlfriend, Kuronuma Sawako.'

Sawako blushed as well, trembling and starting to mumble something I couldn't hear, either understand.

This was so foolish!

All that was missing was that the new guy would fall in love with Kazehaya's girlfriend, for me to be as jealous as hell. What was I saying? I didn't care about this at all! I just stood up from my chair, having in mind the thought to disappear. I would go to my club activities to see what's going around there. And then I could just go home.

Go home and do what?  
>It doesn't matter! I will have something to do!<br>No, you won't. Because Nana will be gone with her affairs and your parents will be at work – though, hopefully – and you will be staying alone in your room, at your computer, or you could read a book or cry because of your miserable life.

I just hate when things turn out like this… but I still stood up.

'Oh, and there is Kurumizawa. She's in the same class as us this year. Kurumizawa!' I heard the voice of Kazehaya. I knew what happened. He just told the guy that we were in the same class. And I was supposed to remember this Uchida Rei. Who the heck was he anyway? He was some imbecile, for sure, as I did not remember him at all.

I had to turn around and go where the little group was staying.

'What?' I asked, angrily.  
>The guy looked at me. Some smile arose on his face while watching my face.<p>

'Oh, Ume-chan, it has certainly been a while. But you don't remember me, do you?'


	3. Chapter 3

**The doctrine of love**

Chapter 2

'Oh, Ume-chan, it has certainly been a while. But you don't remember me, do you?'

I tried hard to remember his face, associating it with his name. But I couldn't. Everyone was looking at me and that made me feel really uncomfortable. I seemed arrogant and stupid. Well, I was arrogant. I took a deep breathe, even though I hoped that no one would notice my gesture.

'Well, I don't remember everyone, you know.' I said in a full-of-myself voice. He smiled; but it wasn't a gentle smile at all. For I don't know what reason, that made me kind of sad.

'Well, is ok, you know. I mean, if you don't remember me.'

I thought he would continue and he would illuminate me, but he did not say anything anymore and I was too proud to ask him anything. But I will confess to myself, I was curious who he was.

There was a big silence between us. Uchida Rei was looking at me in some disappointed way that made me feel awkward, while everyone else seemed to look anywhere else but not at us. Kazehaya broke the silence.

'Anyway! We are heading to the karaoke right now, would you mind to join us? I mean, it's been a real while and you should cope up with everything you've missed!'

I knew when I was not needed, so while they were talking, I just took my chance through the door. I had this inquietude in my heart; who was the guy, anyway? I would look the photo album from middle school; maybe I'll found out who was he… why was I so interested in this and why the heck did I mind that look of his? I did felt bad when he looked so disappointed at me. I just hate it! 

'Oh, that is a sure thing. I would love to go to the karaoke! Ume-chan, won't you join us?'

I heard his voice right when I was at the door, trying to go away.

That was the time I realized he called me "Ume". What the fuck? Nobody calls me like that and I totally hate this fucking name! What was he thinking, calling me like that? Imbecile! He was a real imbecile. Now he was looking with that soft expression at me, it was like he was trying to make me forgive him for something he did not do.

I just hated him!  
><em>Well, you sure hate a lot of things lately, Kurumi,<em> I heard a voice inside me.

'Don't want to. I'm not friends with any of you and I won't lose my time. Goodbye!'

I walked away, closing the door. I said these words without looking at any of them. They were not worthy of my attention, anyway. So why was I feeling so empty inside? I mean, yes, of course I didn't care about them going at the karaoke while I was heading home to do nothing… no, no! It was not that, it was just that I couldn't stay around Kazehaya and Sawako. How much should I endure? I'm not made of stone, my heart can cry as well and I have feelings!

_But how are people supposed to treat you when you behave like a bitch around them?_

I sure hated this voice inside me! 

Walking through the corridor all alone is not a feeling I like to experience. I did not feel this loneliness until now. I sure did not… How could be Sawako all alone, all the time, before she met these friends of hers and Kazehaya? I could not bare the feeling of being of no one. Not having friends it makes me sad. But I was a fake girl until now, anyway! And they loved the sweet Kurumi. Now, they are disgusted by the new-and-true Kurumi. They don't want me around… I have to understand them. And they were just a bunch of stupid buck-up guys anyway. But why do I miss them?

_Because you are all alone, of course._

I sighed, again. I had to make new friends, for sure. But who the fuck would want to hang out with a wrecked girl like me? Should I be false again? Well, I doubt I could. I felt good being myself…

'Ume-chaaaaaan! Wait for me!'

This voice again… Why the heck is he persuading me?

I stopped for a reason that even I do not understand. I looked at Uchida Rei's eyes. He was right in front of me. He was still smiling while I was analyzing him. Those eyes… Where have I seen them? Somewhere, in the past… I should really remember.

Then, it hit me. I wanted to be friends with this guy for a reason I didn't know.  
>Remember.<p>

I frowned trying to recall something. Uchida Rei laughed.

He had a nice laugh, sure he did…

'What?' I yelled.

He smiled, again.

'Well, you certainly look cute while frowning, you know!'

That took me by surprise. I turned my face, blushing. My heart skip a beat. Why did he look so damn nice at me?

'I… don't be an idiot!'

What a stupid answer to give.

'I see you didn't change at all! I'm glad… you know. I was scared you will change. I didn't remember you yesterday, when we met. Well, I though I saw you somewhere but I couldn't recall the time and place. But after you walked away, I realized who you were. But I was afraid to call your name. And I was right. You wouldn't know who I was; you would've thought I was a stalker, right?'

He had such a nice voice that I didn't mind hearing all the crap he was saying. I don't even know what expression I had when I talked to him.

'Eh? How am I supposed to remember you? It's not like I have a memory book in my head, I can't recall everything from my past. And maybe you were not too important to me, or something. I don't remember your name and I'm quite sure I didn't meet any "Uchida Rei" in my life.'

It sounded a bit too harsh, I realized, because I had a loud voice while saying this, but he didn't care. It was like he was used to this.

'Will you go to a drink with me, or something?'

What? He was asking me out? Wasn't he saying he was afraid he will seem a stalker? Well, what should I do? He looks like someone I could trust. I was not afraid of being with him. I hadn't had anything better to do at home, either.

And he certainly looked so damn cute. Maybe I should try to be friends with him!

'Hmm. You are so arrogant, you think you can just come here and ask me out for a drink? Who do you thing you are? 

Well, I can't give a sweet answer, I suppose. I should've just said "Yes".

He laughed.

'Ok, let's get going. I'll treat you.'

He saw right through me. I started mumbling something, but he walked away and I walked after him. I could see his back. He sure was tall… and he had a nice back. And he certainly was sexy. And I really liked him, although I couldn't remember him. How could everyone forget such a piece of a good looking guy?

Maybe he was ugly back then.

Or maybe I had eyes only for Kazehaya so I didn't notice him.

We went to some cafeteria and took a table. We were face-to-face. He still had that dumb smile on his face.

'Why are you smiling?' I had to ask him.

'Because I'm happy.' He answered, lightly. That came as a surprise for me.

I laughed.

'That's a good reason.'

I ordered some juice and he made the same choice as me, then he looked me in the eyes.

'So you don't remember me.'

'I don't.'

Well, this sure was some interesting conversation. We could really talk. I could see that I was really casual around him. He was an easy person to talk to.

Or so I guess.

'Want me to help you out or you'll just go home and look up the photo album searching for the "Uchida Rei" name, something that you won't found and you will keep looking for some guy pretty handsome, but you won't find that either!'

His voice was really light.

I was surprised he knew about my plan to look up the photo album. And what was he talking about? Was he not in the photo album? I didn't really understand what he meant so I looked blindly at him.

'Well… I should explain it properly, right?'

I said "Yes" with a very sarcastic voice. I had such a bad temper.

But it seemed like he didn't care about that. Maybe that's why I liked to be around him, because, apparently, he understands me and he really likes talking to me. It just appears so… maybe I am wrong.

The cafeteria was nice; there weren't too many people, but it was a nice atmosphere. It gave us a warm vibe and I liked it. And the color that covered the walls was a pretty warm one as well. All this place made me feel a little too happy and light and I become aware of the fact that I really enjoyed being with him… with this strange guy I didn't even know.

'Let's see! Hmmm, how should I start this?'

'Try with the beginning, it should work.' I smiled sarcastically.

'Well, I was born…'

'A little further, if you please.' I laughed, making him laugh as well.

There was a good vibe between us. Why so? I don't know. Maybe we were made to be friends. Or maybe not.

'Hmm, well, so the most part of middle school I was around the school you guys went, and we kind of were in the same class all the time. And you kind of knew me very well too because we would do our homework together all the time. And I was the only one you'd shown your real personality; even though I see that you're very honest nowadays – he looked in a sweet way at me, blushing – I confess I'm a bit jealous of this, because I wanted to be the only one who knew the bad tempered Ume… but, anyways!...'

What was this all about? I understand that we knew each other… homework? With whom did I do my homework when I was little?

There was a guy, a neighbour of mine, I remembered… But his name was not Uchida. I know I was calling him Taka-chan all the time. He was a little brat, as tall as I was and he was wearing glasses, his hair was not black at all, it was rather brown and he was hobble and huffy. He wasn't, certainly, as self-righteously as this guy. Neither was he so cheerful to himself and arrogant. And we really went to the same school, even though I pretended not to know him in the class, he would accept me…

No, it couldn't be this Uchida Rei, because the guy I remember was a guy named Taka.

'Hahaha! It's so funny to see you trying to remember things! You don't recall me at all, do you?' he laughed and I sighed.

'Moron.'

'Yeap, you always called me like that, didn't you? But you sure liked me a lot! And I… - he blushed – anyway! When I moved, you cried and screamed a lot, saying that I'm leaving you in the worst moment of your life, although you never told me what has happening! I went to your old house, looking for you – because I don't live where I used to. The neighbours told me you moved out after a year or so after I left; that made me pretty sad. No one knew anything about you. I can't describe the emptiness of my heart, when I realized I couldn't found you… I was afraid I won't see you ever again.'

He took a pause, looking at me. I was too shocked to say anything. I was just listening to what he was saying. It was the only thing I could do.

'So, well, when we were kids, we were best friends, although in school it was like you didn't even know me. But I did not care, because I knew that was you. You know why I moved? Because my parents got a divorce. I moved with my father, for a while, then my mother took me away… because of my father's death – I could read no emotion in his voice – and I took the name of my mother, Uchida. Now, you probably remember me as Takahiro Rei, or else… Taka-chan.'

**Flashback**

_I was in the park, in a swing. I was really sad because of something I don't remember. It was a childish reason, howsoever. A boy approached me. I remember thinking I've seen him in the neighbourhood; it was the holiday before starting middle school._

'_Hi!' He said, simply, taking a place in the other swing._

'_Hi!' I answered._

_He was also sad and that kept my attention._

'_Why are you sad?' I asked, in a low voice._

'_My cat died. I loved my cat…'_

_I don't remember what I answered to the question "what happened to you?" but we got along in a second. He took my hand._

'_I'm Takahiro Rei. I live nearby. Do you want to be friends?'_

_I was a little uncomfortable regarding new relationships. But with Rei was different. I took his hand with a big smile'._

'_My name is Kurumizawa Ume, but everyone calls me Kurumi-chan! You can come to my place, I have a cat and we can play with it…'_

_He smiled happily._

'_Ok, Ume-chan! If everyone calls you Kurumi, I will call you Ume! Because I like this name better; it's sweet, just like you!'_

_I smiled; I didn't dislike this name at that time._

'_Ok! Then how does everyone call you?'_

'_Rei or Takahiro, why?'_

' _Then I'm going to call you Taka-chan! So that I will be the only one calling you by that name. We are going to be best and special friends from now on, ok?_

'_Ok.'_

_It was a uncustom meeting. We were both naïve at that time. We only found out the next day that we were neighbours and we started visiting each other and doing our homework together. When at home, we were always together._

_By that time, he was an ugly boy. He had big glasses covering his beautiful eyes and his hair was a mess. He had braces as well. But he was so sweet, that I would always go to him; whenever I was sad or happy. He knew everything about me, and I knew everything about him, back then._

_We were best friends.'_

_**End of flashback.**_

How could I forget about Taka-chan? Is that even possible? How much have I loved and cheered for him! How could I possibly forgive his encouraging smile, his encouraging words… and the love he always showed to me?

He left because of the divorce of his family; he had a divorce as well… we were alike; I could still feel good around him. I discovered why I felt so well around him, it was because we were so long ago friends. I still had this wonderful feeling of friendship for him.

While talking, we went out of the cafeteria. We were on the street now, and I've stopped after listening to what he was saying. For a second, while remembering, I didn't know what to do.  
>Then, without controlling myself, I leapt into his arms, hugging him lightly.<p>

'I missed you so much, you idiot!'


	4. Chapter 4

**The doctrine of love**

Chapter 3

Taka-chan and I were inseparable in the past, until I fell in love with Kazehaya… I was a stupid bitch, I treated him in a way no one would accept it. But Taka-chan always had a smile for me and encouraging words. And he never got upset when I wouldn't greet him at school or when I would pretend I don't know him. This kind of behavior is something I don't want to meet again; I will treat him well, this time, and I will show him my best part. Even though I know that the old Taka-chan always knew my good and my bad parts; because, in a way or another, he was a part of me.

All day long we walked around the streets and talked about nothing, but still everything. We did not have any real topic to discuss. We just told each other what we felt to. So I've learned about the separation of Taka's parents. He was currently living alone in a rented apartment, while his parents were abroad. His mother was somewhere in Paris and his father was in Africa, studying something I couldn't understand. I really felt sorry for him and I told him that I'd want to do something for him that he would feel better. But he just smiled, taking my hands in his and giving me a kiss on the cheek…

'There's nothing you can do more than this, my sweet Ume-chan. Meeting you is like I touched the supreme happiness. You have no idea how much I've missed you!'

I was too touched to say anything, so I've just walked beside him, blushing, not being able to say anything more. I wondered about the feelings in my heart, because all my body was trembling and I couldn't understand why. I didn't have this feeling in the past, when Taka would touch me. I wouldn't go like trembling and hard breathing and heartbreaking. I would just smile and hug him, or anything of this kind. But now it seems like my feelings toward him are some kind different. Is this, maybe, because we grew older and we aren't innocent children anymore?

Anything is possible! 

It was already dark outside when we realized how late it was. We practically didn't talk about something, but I've found a lot of details of Taka's life and for the firs time in the entire history, I didn't mumble- humble only about my self. I've just listened to what my dearest friend had to say and I would smile to him continuously, without even realizing it.

'You didn't talk too much' Taka said while he was walking me home.

'Well… I just wanted to know more things about you. I couldn't be able to learn about your life if I would talk again and again and again, would I? I just wanted to hear you speaking, it's been a while… you know! And also, I was - in the past – the one who would talk about her problems and all that stuff and you'd listen to me. I guess it's my turn now, isn't it? – And, before you say something, I didn't do it as a duty, I enjoyed our evening, our encounter and all. I missed you, idiot.'

I received a smile from him and that lightened my heart. He was so nice, so handsome, so charming and beautiful and warm hearted and I could feel all the love for him flowing through my veins, through my hall body…

'Thanks for walking me home, really! Do you want to come in? My step-sister is home, most probably, and my father would be very glad to see you!'

He wondered about that and I can't be sure that he would've said yes if my father didn't come out, looking at us. I think he saw us on the window and he was afraid I was with some kind of weird guy outside. I sighed, saluting him and grabbing Taka by the hand.

We both walked in the house.

My father was a little scared because of this encounter and he looked at the boy; I had my hand in his and this was really disturbing. I felt like in a soap, my father was looking terrified at me, my step mother was in the kitchen but she just flushed around and was looking at us with a warm smile and Nana appeared from nowhere with a chocolate in her hands, not understanding anything of what was happening.

It was a big silence. Then, both me and Taka, started laughing like crazy.

'What's that? Oh, you should've said it later! But I understand now. You have changed a lot, Takahiro Rei! You've become a real man, look at you!'

My father walked to us and hugged him lightly, with a big smile on his face. He was not scared anymore, just happy to see my old friend. He was like a boy to him, in the past, and he was certainly glad to see him. He even chided with him a little because of the fact that Taka didn't come to visit. And he invited him to dinner; he couldn't receive a "no" for an answer.

I smiled happily and took Taka in the living room, introducing him to my step sister. After that, I introduced him to my step mother and we all ate a nice family-dinner. Everyone was warm towards him and I felt a little bit jealous when I saw him getting so well with everyone. I wanted him to treat only me with that smile and that warm character and I would've wanted him to tell only me those nice words of his.

But then I remembered that he had his own life… that he was only my best friend and I shouldn't be so egoist regarding him.

I don't remember waking so happily in the morning. I put on my uniform and rapidly ate my breakfast, even giving a kiss on the cheek to my step mother. She was shocked, though in a good way.

'I see that this Takahiro-Uchida-Rei – or what's his real name now – has done a marvelous job regarding your behavior, little Kurumi.'

I heard her saying while I closed the door. I couldn't erase the smile from my face; I just had this happy feeling that everything was to be OK from now on. And that no one could stay in my way. I felt invincible.

I was delighted by everything. The nature was wonderful, I love the cherry blossoms, I loved everything around me and I never felt so energetic and good; it was like I wouldn't be able to scream at anyone today. I felt incredible incapable of being bad right now. And that was something with what I was not accustomed.

I soon entered the school yard and I looked for Taka, but I couldn't see him so I just ran in the class, where everyone was already in. I didn't even look where Kazehaya was – that was what I would've normally done, but instead my eyes were searching the image of the black-haired guy with marvelous dark-green eyes. But he wasn't here, yet. So I walked to my desk, stood on my chair and waited patiently. I so wanted to see him! 

But the ungrateful one arrived 2 seconds before the teacher was in. Kazehaya was in front of me and I could see his back, but I was more interested to see Taka and I waited for him to wave at me, or anything like that. But he did not. He didn't even look at me. He took a seat on his chair and saluted Kuronuma Sawako with a smile on his face.  
>I was shocked. I was so shocked that I wanted to arise from my chair and yell at him… and I could see Kazehaya wasn't so pleased by the fact that Taka was talking with his girlfriend so lightly. I could see Miura looking towards them.<p>

What was that?

That entire hour of history was an anathema. I remember only looking at them with jealousy and sadness flowing through my body. I wasn't happy anymore, neither good. I wanted to rose from my chair and get the hell out of the class. It pissed me off. I hated Kuronuma Sawako more than before, because she was stealing Taka from me.

And I hated Taka as well. How dared him to not look at me and talk so lightly with her?  
>I felt like crying and beating the hell out of Taka-chan. My life wasn't pink anymore, it was just like before. I could see Kazehaya's back, but I couldn't concentrate on him; he was nothing comparing to my best friend's love. I wanted my best friend's love and attention back. I wished he didn't talk to Kuronuma that much and I wished his place wasn't beside her.<p>

I hated this day! 

To be honest… I hoped that when the break came he would come to me and say hi, at least… but he didn't. He spent the break talking to Kazehaya and the boys, laughing out loud. I was jealous, sad and furious but I couldn't move from my chair. I pretended reading some book, even though I turned over the pages of the book, I haven't read even a line from it…

The class was filled by the sun light and all my class mates were feeling extremely well. They were all smiles and laughter and I was so angry at them, at everybody and at their happy faces. Miura came to my desk and started talking to me; I was frustrated! He is the kind of guy who's always cheerful and he seemed amused by my comportment and my bad character and mood.

'What happened to you, Kurumi-chan? You look so angry!' he laughed in my face.

Stupid guy!

'Go away, chicken head. I'm not talking to you!' I yelled at him. Everyone turned their faces at us and it was a big silence. I blushed of anger and embarrassment and went out of the class.

How much was I to bear anymore? I mean… it was too much! First, my parents got a divorce and my mother didn't give a fuck about me. She's married and she has a baby and a new son, my "step-father's son" and I can't see her, because she doesn't really care about me. She sends me cards for my birthday and money, but I don't need them. My father loves me, but I can't bring myself to like him too much, because he used to beat my mother and scream at her and treat her badly. He's the reason why she left us and why she doesn't love me. And my father doesn't treat my new mother the same way; he treasures my step-mother. Why? Why couldn't he love my mom as well? It's cruel!

Then I find out that Kazehaya likes Kuronuma Sawako and I can't pretend being a nice girl, I throw my mask and I show everyone the real Kurumi – a real arrogant bitch. And everyone leaves me, because they don't care to be friends with someone so bad-tempered as me.

So I'm left with no friends and no love, because Kazehaya rejects me and Kuronuma Sawako gets him as a present with a ribbon on his neck – I hate it! And they start calling themselves by their first names, not by their family names… while Kazehaya still calls me Kurumizawa.

It's hateful.

And then, for the glass to be full of shit, when I found my old best friend, Taka-chan, he leaves me as well… and for what? For a bunch of stupid jerks that are nothing compared to me and to the affection I have for him.

It's like the hall world turned their back to me… and it's sad to be alone.

I'm looking through the window on the corridor and I see kids outside, smiling, laughing; everyone is happy nowadays… Students are passing on the halls and they are all together, no one is alone. It seems like I've been thrown in some kind of black whole and I'm punished to be alone for the entire eternity.

Very well! I can manage well by myself. I don't need imbeciles around me! End of story! 

I walked back to the classroom because the class was starting. I didn't even know what subject we had next, neither did I care. I just took a seat and opened that fucking book that I've pretended to read up till now.

Out of the blue, Taka takes a seat right in front of me and the teacher enters the class. I look at his back. He is so charming in his uniform, I can see his short hair, his hands on the table and I could read the nice smile on his face… oh, god! What am I thinking again? 

And he turns around me while the teacher is talking about god knows what and he gives that gorgeous glare to me, while he hands me a note. I can see Kazehaya on the chair where Taka used to stay and I open that little note he sent to be.

I can read the words he wrote, he has a deformed, but adorable, hand writing…

_I switched places with Kazehaya! That's what I've been talking with Kuronuma-san. She's a nice person, I suppose, but kind of boring . I mean, I would've want to stay all the time around you and I asked her if she would want Kazehaya to be here but me. And she blushed! They are together, after all. So I asked Shouta to give me his place. He agreed, smiling. What a guy, duh. Anyway, I'm glad to be here. I won't talk to you at school, I don't want to cause you any problems but I can't wait for the classes to end. We are going to karaoke or anything, okay? Please, please, please o you know I missed you badly! Anyway… Can I turn once in a while at you and see your face? I promise to be discreet. _

_^.^_

I can feel my face burning, I took fire. Oh, God! This guy is so adorable and he makes my heart beat so fast. He talked with Kuronuma just like that? He doesn't care about her… that's such a relief. I take a breath of relief and I am glad that that was just a misunderstanding. He wanted to talk to Kazehaya only because he wanted to switch places… and he called Kuronuma in the formal way! I am so happy that I think that my heart will blow away.

I write him back a note with my hands shaking. And that is just because I feared I would lose my best friend, now that I've got him back! I don't know why means so much to me, it's just that I can't control this feeling. He took control of my mind, heart, spirit and body.

_Stupid Taka! You are so stupid, you idiot!  
>I want you to salute me in the morning and you sure can turn to my desk all the time you want and I want you to talk to me when at school. What do you think? That I'm ashamed because of the fact that you are my best friend and that we get along so well? Idiot! I thought you wanted to ignore me and it kind of pissed me out. <em>

_Don't do that again or I kill you._

_What's this talk about Kazehaya and Kuronuma? _ I don't care about them anymore! I know they are together. Did you forget how much I used to like this guy? Well, I still like it, probably, but he's with Kuronuma Sawako right now and I don't give a fuck about them. They can go in hell if you ask me – I'm bad, lol ˇˇ" but can not help it. I'm trying to forget about him so don't mention him.  
>They are both nice people, I agree…<em>

_I'm writing too much here. We're going somewhere after classes? Good ^.^_

I gave him a shot in his leg and he turned around, the teacher wasn't paying attention to us as we weren't paying attention to him or the class.

He took the note, he read it and he turned around to look at me. He didn't say anything, but he was blushing and he smiled at me.

And I thought my heart would break because of so much happiness…


	5. Chapter 5

**The doctrine of love**

Chapter 4

' Taka-chan! You have to come to my place tonight. I mean, we are going to have a farewell dinner for my sister who is going to college and there is going to be this TV-show that we have to see together, even though my father and step-mother would be there as well, mumbling nonsense more likely, but you have to come! You won't leave me alone through all this! I'm not letting you to!'

Taka was just in front of my seat, looking at me with this big smile of his and nodding, trying – most probably – to joke with me.

' Oh! But I'm not coming, dear, dear Ume. Because, I mean, I will let you endure the pain!'

He laughs, again, and then smiles at me and takes my hand, looking into my eyes and saying that he will certainly come, he won't lose the opportunity to spend time with me, whatever shall happen. I smile back to him and kick his foot under the table.  
>He laughs.<p>

'Ouch! That hurts, you know! You're evil!'

I laugh back and wonder around the class. Me and Taka… we are staying in our seats, he turned his chair in front of my desk and we are talking, like we do every single day. He is as sweet as ever. In the matter of fact, we get along so much better than we did in the past. And he is my single and true friend and most probably the only person I care about for real in the entire world. Beside my sister I suppose. And I may love my parents as well; I'm not as devil as people think I am.

Anyway, the thing is… I really love Taka. And I come to face it in a very strange way. We were staying in my room, doing our homework because now he comes every day to my house to do homework or help with housework or anything of that sort, he doesn't leave me alone. And I appreciate and love that about this fact and about him.  
>Staying in my room was an ordinary thing. We were staying on the floor, right beside my bad and writing some Math exercises when I stopped, for no reason, while he was correcting some mistakes I made at some certain exercise.<p>

His face, I thought, was so fine and wonderful, he was almost pale and I loved white skin, I loved his green eyes and his black hair, the fact he was tall, the fact he was so nice to me. I loved his voice, his personality and just the certain fact that he was beside me and he didn't leave me alone, ever. I mean, I knew that for sure. He was that kind of a man made from a piece. He loved me in the past. Why wouldn't he care so much for me right now? Maybe I'm just a friend to him!

Those are the sort of things I was thinking in that day, when we were staying in my room. And my heart started beating faster, for no other reason, while I looked at his face. I burned in desire to touch him, to kiss him, to hug him and to tell him how much I liked him, how much I cared about him.

Naturally, I could do that. But I thought I won't be honest. Because I didn't like him as a friend.

Not anymore. I used to care about him in that way. But it was a feeling which was so long dead and buried. And I wondered, in that moment, what would Taka-chan say if I confess my love to him? 

But right in that moment, when he felt I was watching him. He lifted his eyes and faced my look. I think my face, maybe, was a little bit red when he looked at me. For the only reason he was a very soft expression when he was watching me.

'What? What are you looking at, sweetie? You know, I'm solving some exercises you mixed up right now, you know, you should at least pay attention.'

Why was his voice so sweet and why was he, for Chris's sake, such a gentle person?

I couldn't say anything to him. I arose from my place and went to get some drinks, he was probably watching me.  
>But for the first time in my life, I couldn't do anything. I couldn't tell him what I found in my heart and in my soul when he looked at me.<p>

There was no room in my life for my friend Taka-chan, he was such a messed-up boy from my childhood. A boy that I used for my well-being. And now, all this was different. I didn't want to take use of him anymore.

I wanted to walk to school with him, hand by hand. To tell him everything, to keep him for me, to kiss him, to hug him.  
>I wanted him for myself, only for me.<p>

But not as a friend.

My head, in that day, was all messed up. And I thought, over and over again, what would Taka-chan think if I'd tell him… I liked him? And I erased all these marvelous, but stupid, thoughts of my mind and went back to my room, without any drinks at all.

'Where are the drinks?'  
>Taka asked me.<p>

'There are no drinks.'  
>I answered, walking slowly to him and collapsing right beside him, putting my hand around him, and giving him a hug, a normal one. But he didn't know, while he put his hands around me and kissed my forehead, that I didn't think about him as a buddy, that this hug was a self-centered one. He didn't know that I wanted to feel his skin, his touch, his breath and his beating-heart.<p>

Oh, and now we were in this class, pretending nothing happened. When actually, nothing happened but my heart got wild and my mind broke into pieces. Or maybe it's just otherwise.

Why am I being such a coward? I mean! It's just Taka! He wouldn't mind if I tell him I love him. He would just… go with the flu. He'd come to my place every morning and walk me to school, I know, he'd kiss my lips, he'd hug me the way I'd like him to do. He'd do the things I'd want him to do.

But that is the certain problem.  
>I don't want him to do things just because I'm his little Ume, I don't want him to force himself in a shit he doesn't want to be, or he doesn't even know if he wants it or not. I'm just a messed up and egoistic bitch. I don't want him to do something he doesn't want, just for my well-being.<p>

Taka is just the sort of person who'd do anything for my sake. I just know it. I can feel it.

'Kurumi! Someone knocked at the door. Would you care to see if Rei is already here? The dinner is almost ready!' my step mother yelled at me. I was in the living room, with my sister. We were talking about some nonsense and she would just tease me about Taka, when my mother said that. She'd say she didn't know I loved him so much. I just ignored her and went to the door.

She just reads my mind, sometimes.

'Oh, Taka! Already here? You're late!' I say to him, smiling, being so happy he's here and with a tremendously heart-beat. I wanted so much to see him! I'd miss him. Mostly because we didn't go home together today, he was with Kazehaya and some other guys, they went out to some place I don't know about. About which I'm curious but I can't ask him.  
>But I know that later, when we're going to be all alone, I'm going to ask him what happened. What was he up to? Did he meet any girls? I think the jealousy already started flowing through my veins. And I could say that was not a good thing.<p>

My mother prepared all sorts of dinner plates and we'd eat most of them. Nana talked all the time, saying how much she'd missed us but that she was overwhelmed by the desire of going to college, meet new people, have friends and so on. Our parents were not so happy, though, they said that they would really miss her and they were not looking forward to her moving alone. But they were at ease, in some point or another.

They trusted Nana.

I trusted Nana.

Actually, everybody trusted Nana.

Taka seemed a lot spaced-out this night. He didn't say anything, not even when we watched the TV-show with my family. I was sitting right beside him, on the couch. I was in the middle of him and Nana, pretending to watch TV while I was concerned about Taka's behavior.

His eyes were sad. He was not himself. He was pretending to pay attention to whatever happened on TV but he didn't care that much about it, he didn't notice anything.

It was all a fuss in my mind and heart in those moments. I was really concerned about it. I wanted the TV-show to come to an end so I could talk to him. If everyone asked me in the end what was that program all about, I'd say nothing. Because I didn't pay any attention to it. But if they'd ask me about Taka's expression in the time of that TV-show, I'd know to answer in detail.

I think, maybe, I really was in love with this guy who used to be my friend. And it hurt deeply in my heart, knowing we were friends. I was afraid, I realized then. I was afraid to ruin our friendship and to lose him. He was the one thing and person I didn't want to lose.

'Father, could Taka-chan stay at our place tonight? Tomorrow we don't have any school so he could sleep in the open room, or in the living room, or he could sleep in my room, I would sleep with Nana?'

I don't know why I said that, but it was already spoken when the TV-show ended end everyone looked strangely at me, even Taka who didn't know what was happening. My father laughed.

'Of course, there's no problem. Rei, do your parents agree to this? I mean, is there any problem? Because you could sleep in our guests room, it is a really nice one, I say, you would be okay. And it's already very late and it's pouring outside. You better stay the night!'

My father didn't let him say anything, it was already a fact. My mother was already struggling, wanting to fix the room for Taka to sleep.

'Don't, please! I will go home. I … live alone, right now, so my parents are not with me. I should be going. It's not that late, and I brought and umbrella anyway…'

His face was so sad, even though his voice was still so soft. I wanted to go with him, to walk him home, to sleep with him, to hear his voice and listen to whatever he had to say. But he didn't get me the chance, he'd hug Nana and wish her the best luck, he would thank my mother for the food and my father for the invitation and he would hug me, in a very different way he did with Nana and whisper to my ear:

' Thank you, Ume-chan. I will go now.'

There was something very profound in his voice and I wondered about it… while he closed the door, with a faded smile.

He walked through the patio, opening his umbrella. He walked slowly, slowly, without any motivation or spirit, and I knew, even though I could see only his back, that he had no smile or happy feelings or expressions right then.  
>Taka was empty. And so was I.<p>

I couldn't sleep all night, thinking about him, hearing the pouring rain.  
>So I sent him an SMS.<p>

_Taka-chan ^_^_

_You are cruel! You left just like that when I wanted to spend some more time with you.  
>Insensitive friend! _<em>

_What was this all about? Thank you, I will go now? That's not a farewell, is it? Why were you so deep, whispering in my ear? You idiot! You ought to give me an explanation! Right now. Because… you know? I can't sleep._

Just after I have already sent the message from my cell phone I saw how late was. It was 3oclock in the morning. He was, most probably, sleeping. I felt like crying, wrapped in my blanket, hugging my pillow. I felt lonely, empty, friendless and undesired.

I though I would finally fall asleep, when my little cell phone rang.

I received a text message.

From Taka-chan.

_Ume_

_I couldn't stay anymore. I don't know if it's a farewell. But I can't do it this way._

_Are you sure we are friends?_

_Are you thinking about me as a friend?  
>What is our friendship?<em>

_I'm being unfair to you. I'm sorry. Go to sleep, please. For me._

_I really love you._

Those were the single words attached to his message, I read them again and again until I fell asleep, with a certain questing flying in my mind: _Are you sure we are friends_?

The truth is, Taka, I don't know anymore…


	6. Chapter 6

**The doctrine of love**

Chapter 5

It was the first morning when I woke up willing to go to school – actually, I got dressed way too early and ate my breakfast – which was a really good surprise for my step-mother, and left home. On my way to school I kept thinking about Taka-chan, about us and the little chat we had the last night. And I couldn't help but think that he is thinking about me as a girl, as a girlfriend – but not that buddy-type.

And that, maybe, we could get together.

I know it's crazy! I keep blushing on my way to school, in my usual uniform, with people having their looks turning right after me. I know I am cute, I know this for a whole big deal of time, but I don't care that much about it anymore. I came to think more about other things, like moral values and things that concern the soul and personality and I think that I might, somehow, really change my features of evil minded and bad-behaviour.  
>But I know those are only words flowing through my mind, trying to keep Taka-chan to a decent distance. And it is not happening, because all that is flying around my mind, thoughts and brain right now, is this well-known and beautiful pale face, with green eyes and black hair and with this big smile attached to its face – Taka's face. I can see only him and his words are the only things that are like an echo in my mind.<p>

In my way to school, I don't see anything. I don't see people around me. I look straight forward and think.

I might be in love with Taka.  
>But I know that I already like him a lot. But, the thing is, how could I tell him I like him? Just a while ago I was madly and deeply and passionately and unreasonably in love with Kazehaya. He would think I am very easy girl, turning from one boy to another. And he is the only one that I don't want to think badly about me. This is the first time that I'm willing to be honest and gain something, someone with my own heart. And because of that, I want to use all my power and strength and I swear I won't let Taka-chan 'run' away from me.<p>

I don't even know when I arrived to school. I saw myself in front of the opening gate and smiled, like a foolish brat, realizing that in my way I didn't do anything but think and all that package, without even mentioning the fact that if I'd passed Taka on the street, I know I wouldn't have seen him. And that is just because I was so caught in my own mind.

Note for my mind: don't ever do that again.

When I enter the school yard, I hear my name and turn around to see Kuronuma Sawako and her two little friends.

'Good morning, Kurumi-chan' she says and the other two salute with indifferent voices. I was too enthusiast this morning to mind them, and I felt … I felt nothing seeing Kuronuma Sawako. I was, in a way that I couldn't understand, happy to have her salute me.

'Morning, Sawako-chan' I say to her in a voice that I didn't expect, almost sweet and honest. She smiles and asks me how I've been and we walk through the school patio, entering the building. And we talk all nonsense, about what we have done, all four of us, including those two friends of Sawako that I don't think very highly of.

When we enter the class, I can see the boys talking and laughing, like everyday, with Kazehaya being the main character.

And I wonder, how did my love for him die? Because now when I see him, I know I don't have anything in common with him. I know that we don't like the same things, that I have forced myself to love things that I didn't care about, just because Kazehaya liked them. And now, I can finally liberate myself from those details. They don't definite me anyway.

And I am free. Free of Kazehaya's unrequited love. And I wonder, for the second time, how did this love end? What happened to my feelings that I had for such a long while? I think I have been in love with my brain, a whole deal of time because someday, I know, I loved him. But in another day, one very close to this one, I knew I didn't have those strong feelings for him anymore. I kept struggling myself for this because I didn't have anything else in the world.

The love for Kazehaya was the only thing I had and I wanted to keep it. I know that now, because I understand my heart. When Taka came home, I felt like I had something, that I appertain to someone, that I was not alone. And these feelings I had for Taka, were not feelings and emotions of friendship.

Most probably!  
>I might be… somehow, in a fathomless and fanciful way, in love with Taka-chan. Like the big deal.<p>

I was looking forward to see his face again today, to talk to him so I wondered through the class. When I didn't see him with the boys and neither in his usual place, on that chair right in front of mine, I went to Kazehaya.

'Morning' I say to him more or less indifferent and he smiles, looks at me and salutes me, asking me what I've been up to these days. But I don't answer to that question, I ask him about Taka, if he knows something about him. But he says that he doesn't know anything. Then Kent says something, looking at me with his very big and hypocrite "kind" type of smile.

'Oh! Rei-kun? He was with us yesterday, when we went out. We talked a lot about stuffs, though he refused to go to a double date with me – think he got a girl or likes someone. Anyway, he spilled with us when we started to talk about relationships in our class – about Kazehaya and Sadako-chan, and about all the big deal between you and Sadako-chan…'

Kent was talking way too much. I was getting upset, Kazehaya was blushing and was trying to pretend he didn't listen to anything, while the boys were teasing him. I was just looking at that moron and wanted to kill him.

I know what happened. They talked about stuffs that Taka misinterpreted. I know is this blonde jerk's fault. He's such an imbecile!

I don't say anything anymore, just go to my place and sit down, take a book and read the same line for a thousand times until the teacher enters the class.  
>Taka-chan didn't show up to school that day.<p>

I tried calling him for a hundred times – only twice – after I got out from school, but he didn't answer the phone, neither my text-message. So I was… a little bit worried about him. I wanted to go to his place to check him up, but I didn't know the address and I didn't know any good way to find it out. I strongly thought that he was just mad or anything of that sort and didn't want to face me today. But… this weird thought kept in my mind that he might be hurt and that is why he didn't show up.

So, what I have done next is look up in every hospital from the city, to see if he is there. Every damn hospital I have looked up, being concerned, scared about the fact that I will see someone there who is Taka-chan. All over the place when I asked about Rei Uchida, they said he wasn't there. My heart kept beating faster and faster and I thought about the worst. I even requested to see the 'nameless' patients that might have collapsed on the street and they picked them up, thinking that maybe one of them is Taka-chan, but there were just fellows I didn't know.

All that l kept thinking about was the fact that in one of those rooms, there was Taka-chan and maybe he was safe, he wasn't hurt at all… and then, I started worrying a hell big of a deal, because it wasn't as Taka-chan to not answer the phone or any of my messages. I kept calling and sending him SMS and stuff but he didn't answer not even at one of them and after that the cell didn't rung anymore. It seemed like it was closed.

So I began to freak out. My heart was beating so fast I couldn't cope up with it. And I was running through the streets, at every damn hospital, at every damn morgue afterwards – none, none of them was Taka-chan from what I have looked up to.

But I didn't want to give up, so I continued to look for him even though it was already night and the dark was about to bless the Earth.

In my mind there was only him and he's frigging situation. I really hoped he was okay. I really did hope he didn't have anything at all.

I was so scared I wanted to cry. My heart kept beating as fast as it could and I thought I might have a heart attack if this continues. I wanted so badly to see my Taka, to embrace him and kiss him, even on his cheek, to tell him how much I worried about him. Actually, to tell him that I love him from my whole damn heart!

But he didn't pick up. His telephone was closed and I was in the center of the town, in a place that I didn't figure out because I thought I might be lost, in the matter of fact. I didn't know anything. I was sick, I was about to start crying and I might have collapsed on the street, if I didn't hear this voice beside me.

The voice I knew so well. It was a suave voice, but accompanied with a hard-breathe. He's been running, I could see and now he stopped with a heavy breath, with a very scared look, regarding me almost frightened. I looked at him in the same way, at this dark-haired guy with wonderful and sparking green eyes. He was so cute, even now, and I was almost dieing on the street, wanting to hug him… But what I've done was to go to him, in the dark of the night, with all those artificial lights shining upon us, and kicked him. I kicked his leg with my leg and started crying like a madwoman.

I couldn't detain myself anymore. I kept looking for him in those damn hospitals and morgues and he was here! He was okay! 

I started crying the hell out of me, in a public place where people might have seen me. But I didn't care anymore about such a frivolous fact. I didn't care about anything but Taka. I was so glad, so happy, so blessed that he was alright! 

'You are such an idiot! Idiot! Idiot! Why did you do that? Why didn't you answer to your damn cell phone when I was calling? Fuck! I tried to look for you in every goddamn hospital and morgue and stuffs and you were not there! I kept freaking out and thinking about what's the worst, and you were here doing I don't-know what stuff. Is that normal? Why did you make freak out so much? You! You are such an insensitive moron!'

I started crying even harder and leapt into his arms, hugging him the best I could and with my body bonded by his… I felt his heart beating as fast as mine, his body trembling the same way mine was and his breathe was as hard and heavy as mine. I looked up at him, because he was far taller than I was and asked him:

'Where the heck were you?'

He didn't say anything, while he looked with that gorgeous face of his at me. He just hugged me again, tighter and kissed my forehead. After that, looking deeply into my eyes, he answered me.

'You doll! Of course I've been looking for you. I lost that goddamn cell of mine and I don't even care about it. I didn't know you'd try to call me, I didn't know, really! I just wanted to… talk to you because I didn't come to school today for the fact being that… I was scared to see you, to see you looking at that friggin' Kazehaya again. Gosh I didn't know I could not-like someone as badly as I dislike Kazehaya. Because… you know! The guy didn't do me anything. But I can't like him while I know you love the shit out of him. Fuck, I'm starting to talk in a very 'not-nice-at-all' way and that's only because you scared the hell out of me! You were not home. You were not at school, neither in one of other hospitals that I looked for. I didn't know where to look for you, whom to call… I was so scared!'

He hugged me tightly, again, and didn't want to let go of me. I was so shocked that I kept crying and crying and crying, not being able to say anything to him. I might have cried for some big 10 minutes or anything like that, when he whipped my tears and kissed my forehead, again.

'Come on, let's go home' he says in that sweet voice of his.

'Promise me you'll come to school from tomorrow. Promise me that if you don't come, you'll announce me' – I sure was a kid right now but I couldn't help myself.

He laughs.

'I will. I promise! Sorry, I didn't know you'd worry so much.'

And now he says that! It's like I don't care about him or anything like that. But the thing is, I really care about him and I love him so much that I want to be with him for … I don't know, for the time being at least. And I really want to tell him this but I didn't figure out it was so hard to tell someone you love him, like… your best friend? Yeah, I can't tell him that, can I?

Though, I said it. In a moment I didn't think I would. We were walking through the street to my home and we were at some stop-light where there was an entire deal of people and they were just besides us. So I had him so close to me that I raised on my feet and whispered in his ear.

'I love you, moron. Not in a friend-like thing at all.'

And then, the stop-light turned green and we could pass. I had my hand in his because we wanted to be sure we won't be separate one by the other and he stopped, he couldn't move his feet and I saw his face turning as red as a… tomatoes? And he looked at me in a very strange way, then coughed and started walking right beside me.

'This is certainly a nice night, isn't it?' I mumble looking at the starry-sky and he approves what I'm saying in a slow and deep voice.

'It certainly is.'


	7. Chapter 7

**The doctrine of love**

Chapter 6

I remember those times when I was little –when I used to spend all my time with Taka. I would talk with him about everything and he would listen to me. He had those huge spectacles that covered his face and his beautiful green eyes. I remember this time when I started crying out of a reason I cannot remember. He braced his hands around me and whispered to my ear 'Don't worry, Ume-chan, I will always be here for you.' I didn't answer anything to that, back then –but I thought to myself that he will not ever do that because, in my heart, I knew that we loved each other.

'Kurumi! Are you awake? You'll be late for school!'

I heard my step-mother's voice. I was looking in the mirror, my body was shaking. What to do, I thought to myself. Last night when Taka has brought me home, I felt… wonderful. I kept his hand in mine (or he kept my fingers in his) and we did not talk much. He left me in front of the house –with his face so red I couldn't see his pale skin. He kissed me on the cheek –near my lips, and ran away. I could not stop him because my feet were stuck to the ground. And I entered the house.

I haven't slept at all – I just kept thinking about him, about what has happened between us (and I could not give him a call, as he lost his cell). My heart skipped 1.000 bits last night. Or even more. It's still skipping bits while I look myself in the mirror and I see my dumb face –those green eyes, that blonde and curly hair, my school uniform.

I sigh and decide to go out –I have to face today's encounter. Why am I so afraid? I am afraid of losing Taka. I have thought and thought and thought about it last night – we were friends before all of this (even though nothing really happened… I just told him that I love him! Maybe he forgot about it… but I still do not want him to forget about it…)… we were friends before all of this, if I am wrong… then what is to make out of our friendship? If we do not match one another, I am going to lose him… and I do not want to lose Taka-chan (not now, not ever!) he is the only one that can be by my side, not only because he loves me, but because he understands and accepts me. He is my only friend. He is my only-one that can be beside me.

I wish Nana were here. But I know she has her life and I also know she will not always be right beside me… even though I didn't use to tell her about my problems, I was sure she will be there for me when I needed her. Now, without Taka, I will be really alone, alone… myself in solitude. I am afraid of the darkness of my soul, I am scared of solitude.

Those are the thoughts that hunt me while I walk on the street. I see trees and I see houses and I see the ground and stones. I see the cars running through the street. I see the sky with clouds covering it. I see the sun. In my head, I hear the song of The Beatles, 'Here comes the sun', '_Here comes the sun –nice day, it's alright, it's alright'._

I try to calm down and I take a deep breath. I shall be okay. Nothing bad shall happen. But while I whisper that to myself, I get more and more scared and terrified by my own thoughts, desires and prejudices. I feel sad –I do not want to lose Taka's friendship and I don't want to lose him. I was all alone in the world –and then Taka came. He came with that big smile of his and took me in his hands; he saved me from the mud. I do not love him only because he is here. I love him because he is here with me.

I sigh, again and realize I have arrived in front of the school-building. I was lost in my thoughts and did not realize I have arrived at my destination.

Dear world, I do not know what to do with my mouth right now because I do not feel it. I don't know if I look happy, sad, angry or as-usual, arrogant. I can't make anything out of myself today. I feel like I have changed a great good deal after last night. My heart is dizzy.

'Kuruuumi-chaaan!' I hear Kent's stupid voice and I look around –the blonde guy pisses me off even when I am in such a confusing mood.

'What do you want, chicken-head?' I reply while walking away from him. He smiles and starts talking nonsense, so I run away from him, fastening my steps and not looking beside myself. He is stupid and I am not in the mood for him today.

I wonder… I wonder how is Taka going to behave today… what is that he is going to do when he sees me? Will he hug me? Will he kiss me? Will he tell me anything, anything at all? I so want to see him… I so want to see his face, his smile and hear his encouraging words.

I think I need him.

I see Kazehaya in front of myself. He smiles and salutes me. I am in the class room (and I didn't even realize when I got in).

'Hello, Kazehaya' I say in reply while I want to go get a seat in my place. I am not in the mood to talk with him. For the first time in my life, I do not even stare at him, I barely give him an indifferent glance and go to my place. I do not care about him. I do not care whether he loves me or not – maybe I want him to like him, maybe what I felt for him was really deep and maybe it is still deep (but not today). Today I can only think about Taka, about his pale skin, his big hands, his beautiful green eyes… I can only think about his words and his voice. He is the only one I am in the mood for today.

The teacher comes in the class –Taka is not here yet. I cannot pay attention to the lesson. I think about him. I cannot do anything but thing about him. I raise my hand –the teacher asks me what happened because I do not look well at all. Well, that might be the answer to my question (how does my face look today) –it looks horribly, bad, it looks like I am not sad, but sick. I excuse myself and he says I should go to the infirmary. And I agree, knowing that is not the thing I will do.

I get out of the class and I feel rather dizzy. I cope up with my own self and go to the teacher's room – I knock at the door and someone tell me to enter.

'Good afternoon' I say in a slow voice and they all look strangely at me.

'Oh, Kurumizawa-san, what happened? You don't look really good…'

'I'm okay!' I reply and take a deep breath. 'Sorry, but can I get Uchida Rei's address? He hasn't come to school today either and I am quite worried about him…'

'You don't look good either –you should go to the infirmary or best… home! I will write you an excuse note and I will give you Uchida Rei's address' says the headmaster and I bow my head. I feel like I'm with the flu.

I thank and get out of the room. My cheeks are burning. My entire body is in fire.

I get out of the building, out of the school yard, wondering which way I should take, with the note of Taka's address in my hands…

Then I see him – I see him in front of myself. He looks as lost as I do and we both start laughing at each other. My heart is beating so fast that I am afraid I am going to lose it. Beats, beats, beats, beats… and it is killing my chest.

I do not know what to say. I do not know what to take out of this. He looks at me with those beautiful green eyes of his – he is beautiful, he has that great look on him, he is kind and has a great personality. I am rather stupid and I am bad, I always talk stupid to him. I shouldn't treat him this way. But this is my personality –and the fact that he accepts me the way I am is what made me… fall in love with him. Because I know now –standing in front of the school-building, with the wind flowing through my hair, that I have fallen in love with Uchida Rei, with Taka-chan. I am madly in love with him – what I have felt for Kazehaya was true, but still not fully-true. The one who loved him was that Kurumi who wanted everyone to like her, who was desperately alone and wanted love, wanted him to love her so much that she transformed in a horrible person. The one that loves Taka is Ume, the real me. And there is no turning back to that.

I have spent years loving Kazehaya. I'm not sorry of that – but it hurts thinking about how much a person can transform in order to be liked. I do not want to fake anymore… I want to be able to hug Taka without pretending I'm sweeter than I really am. The fact is that I am bad, I have a horrible personality and I like myself, I am arrogant, I am ego-maniac.

But I love Taka.

He looks at me – he is the sweetest thing I have ever met. He is not a thing, he is only him.

I do not know what to say. I feel tears burning my cheeks and I do not know how to stop them. Is like I am here, but I am not. And I see him walking towards me –with slow steps, his tall body moves. He has a sweet smile on his face and he embraces me.

What am I to make out of this? I don't know. But I keep my hands round him and my face buried in his shirt.

'Idiot, I really love you, you know… you'd better stay by my side forever, or else… I'm not going to forgive you …ever!'

Taka doesn't say anything for a moment, but hugs me really tight. Then, he takes my hand and we start walking on the street. The sun is burning on the sky (and I hear once again the song 'Here comes the sun' singing in my ears).

'I didn't know how to treat you at school today… I wondered and wondered… and I didn't sleep at all, last night. Ume, I… I really was your friend in the past, I believe, but not only a friend. I always loved you, I know that now. I loved you and I love you - with all you have, this bad personality, those horrible moods… I think them to be adorable. For me, you are the most adorable thing and I love holding your hand, kissing your forehead… I am dying to see you everyday.'

His voice is deep and gentle and my heart trembles. So I stop because I feel that I cannot move forward (my legs are shaking).

I look at him – his beautiful green eyes are smiling, his face is smiling.

He looks at me – thanks to him, the sun doesn't reache my eyes. He smiles. Our hearts beat so fast, we cannot control them. I feel his heart, my hand on his chest. I feel it beating faster and faster and faster. And I can see his face moving, I can see his lips getting closer and closer to my face, until they reach my face, my lips and he kisses me. The feeling –I can't express it in words. My heart –beating too fast I cannot count the bits on second. I forget how to breathe. My body is shaken by pleasure –so he embraces me and his lips are still kissing my lips.

I have not known happiness until now, I think to myself.

I am not worthy of it.

He looks at me. I look at him. I feel like I have the fever.

'Ume… hm, I think I'm going to faint. My heart is burning.'

That's what he says, making me smile. I will not make anything out of this. Let us tremble a little, let us get a grip after that and talk to one another. Right now we are not confused, but drunk because of so much love and happiness.

Tomorrow, I believe, we are going to get more accustomed to our kissing. But until then, I shall hold his hand and put my head on his shoulder (to be sure I'm not going to meet the ground due to the shaking of my legs).

We walk slowly on the street and we do not talk to each other. We are blushing. This is rather stupid, but I do not seem to care. I just walk on the street and I can feel the big smile I have on my face. Taka smiles as well. We are really stupid today.

Stupidly in love, that is.


	8. Chapter 8

**The doctrine of love**

Chapter 7

Dear sleep, sometimes, I don't want to leave you. You are sweet. You give me happiness. You always provide me with big amounts of happiness. Not always, but most of the times… but this morning, I am sorry, I cannot stay with you any longer.

I do not want to stay with you any longer. I have this entire life in front of my self. It is waiting for me. After all those months of sadness, after all those years of trying to make Kazehaya love me, I… woke up. I am aware of the world. I am aware of Taka. I have drunk from a bottle of happiness and now I cannot erase this stupid smile on my face (when I see Taka). After all, I do not know how to explain this. I know it may seem awkward… all these years I claimed to myself to love Kazehaya. I knew I love him. I always thought so. I always did so. And now, after Taka appeared, everything …changed.

I wonder if my soul is rotten. I have changed my mind so easily. Haven't I loved Kazehaya enough? Maybe not. I do not have the slightest idea of what I felt back then – I think it was passion, I think it was madness, I think it was boredom, I think it was sadness. I think it was envy. I think it was everything I didn't have and wanted, by any means, to have it. To be happy. To take my mind away. To stop thinking about problems. To stop thinking about my family. To stop thinking about anything.

I wanted smiles. I wanted happiness. I wanted protection. I do not know why I tried so hard: didn't I see Kazehaya had no eyes for me? I felt he had a strong feeling of protection (towards others). He was, for me, the right person in whose hands I could get lost.

Even so, I didn't see I wasn't the right person for him.

I am not angry. I do not like him anymore – I do not have any amorous thought for him anymore. If someone should ask me why, I wouldn't know what to answer. I do not know how this love for him disappeared. Sometimes I think it wasn't love – now, for instance, I think it was some sort of obsession. It isn't necessarily bad. But not good, either.

Why should we care so much for the past? It is past. Whatever happens in the past and doesn't concern you in the present, remains in the past. I do not want to revive dead ideas or things or people. They are long gone – long gone should they be. If they come back, let they come back by themselves. I will not summon anything. I want to embrace the happiness Taka is giving me. And for now, only that.

I already put my clothes on. My face smiles in the mirror without me trying to do it. I guess it's incurable, whatever I have. It is love, it is not, I shall not suppose anything. Maybe we are just kids playing a dangerous game. But why not? Why let all this life go on without us? Why not embrace it! Why not take it in our hands and kiss it and tell it how beautiful it is!? After all, we are capable of anything we want.

All we have to do, is try. Much more to see after that.

'Have a nice day!' I hear my step-mother from the kitchen. I great her as well and close the door. It's been ages since I've smelt the air as I do today. The sun is wonderful. The trees are wonderful. The streets seem so welcoming.

Well, I suppose there is nothing wrong with me. If it's a disease, then let us call it love.

I arrived at school as usual. There were a lot of people in the school yard. I looked for anyone I knew, but all those faces –even if I recognized them –looked alien to me. I looked for a friend – I wanted to share this happiness I had. Even so, I didn't see anyone who I'd want to approach. I didn't have any friends at school, I remembered. I've wasted them all with my arrogant attitude. After all, it is never too late to make new friends.

I know I should probably go to Kazehaya's group and salute –start talking with the others. But I don't know why, but I don't feel like doing that. I promised to myself to do the things I feel like doing. I do not want to forcibly push myself into something. There is no need in doing that anymore. I have Taka.

I promise to myself that even if Taka isn't here – how much sadness there will be! – I will still do those things that my heart and ration tell me to. Stop. I have this life. I will not let myself waste it. Period.

'Umeee-chan!'

I startle. I was lost in my thought. Besides me, there is Taka. He is smile. I feel so close to him – I want to hug him, I want to kiss him, I want to hold his hand. He comes near me. We are in the middle of the school yard. I know people are starring – they are probably looking at us, we are so close to each other. I do not care.

Taka takes my hand and kisses it. I blush – I can feel my cheeks burning. I get one step closer to him and he squeezes my hand. He whispers into my ear,

'I dreamt of you.

We were in this… strange place with flowers all around. And we sit down – right there, on the grass. We were all alone…and I started kissing you. I started kissing every part of your body…'

I instantly blush with 'my entire body'. He laughs. I can hear him – he is mocking me. But I know, though, he had a dream about us – on the grass, kissing, looking at the sky. And something more.

I also hold his hand. And, hand by hand, we decide to go in the class. I know people are starring – who would have thought this strange Kurumi would someday do something like this? I can hear everyone's thoughts. They are angry, they are laughing at our happiness. They are mocking us out. They want to separate us: me and Taka. They will never succeed in doing anything like that, though. They think me arrogant, bad and not fit for a guy like Taka. Others think us to be both weird. Maybe some like us, maybe nobody does. I couldn't care less for what other people think.

'Say… Taka… did you really dreamt that we were…?'

He laughs.

'That we were …what, Ume-chan? Umeee-chan, you are so pervert –he says it out loud, so other people hear it – so pervert!'

I also laugh. He has this superb spirit in him. He gives me power to live.

'Stupid', I mumble.

He squeezes my hand.

'You know, whatever happens, I will always be here and there for you. And I will never take my eyes off of you. So you know'

This is his way of telling me one more time how much he likes me.

That is his way of telling me that he will protect me.

In a way or another, we deserve each other. I do not entirely deserve him… I guess. But I love him so much, I cannot take that into account. The atmosphere between us changed today. We are careless of others, we are careless of everything that it is not us. We are so comfortable with each other, nothing else matters. Dear God, I think I am about to madly fell in love with this guy.

'You know, I thought about something this morning' he starts talking, we are on the corridor. We stop at a window, near our class. He is in front of me –my back on the wall. He is still holding my hand.

'Should I, or should I not act like I want to act – I asked to myself – should I just love Ume the way I want to do, or should I pretend? I do not want to pretend. Sometimes, I am crazy –because I am crazily in love with you. I am honest. I am jealous. I want to spend as much time as possible with you. My entire life spins around you. I know is madness. But it's the only way I can do it…'

He stops, he takes a deep breath. He wants to say something else, but I stop him with my smile. He looks at me with those beautiful eyes of his, I do not know how to act and react.

'Hear me, Taka… all I want is your love. You know, I have thought about all these things… I don't care what others say. I want us to act… as crazily as possible. As natural as possible. I want us to always hold hands and I don't want to hide. I am not ashamed. I am not scared. You shouldn't be, either'

'I am not', he says. 'I just wanted you to feel comfortable, little love'. He says that so sweetly and he kisses my forehead. And my heart still trembles when he does that.

We walk on the corridor and enter the class –holding hands. Classmates are starring, we ignore them and go on to our desks. Taka salutes Kazehaya, he salutes back. Even he stares. They are, somehow, amazed. Startled. They didn't see it coming. Nobody did.

In fact, they shouldn't care. I almost forget about them when I sit on my chair and start talking with Taka. We make plans to see a movie, to go out, to do homework together. We talk so naturally as if we know each other forever. We actually do that. We know each other as if we were born together.

End of story, I am so happy…

But the class starts and the teacher come in. He sits on his chair. With him, a girl came in.

'Good morning, class. Sit down. This is your new classmate, she will be studying with you from now on. Please treat her well.'

A girl looks at us. She has black, short hair. She is tall, really tall. She already wears our uniform: her skirt almost hits the ground. She looks skinny, but has a really beautiful face. She is way taller than I am. She has a beautiful glimpse on her. She doesn't smile, even though she has perfect lips. Her hair is well arranged, as well as her clothes. Her skirt isn't short at all, even so… she looks so attractive. I can feel the admiration in the air.

She now smiles ironically.

'Hello. My name is Yukawa Ai. I am not please to meet you, yet. But I hope I will'

That's all she says and walks to an empty chair. Everyone stares. Even I (think) I stare. I don't know why, I look at Taka. He is the only one that looks at me.

But he seems worry. And I look at Yukawa Ai one more time.

She really is beautiful.


End file.
